Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. Your thoughts?. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. Fuck us kids, right? She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. I had seen, maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. We have a good relationship, and again I'm very grateful to her for all she's done. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. I'm mad that my kids never met Grandma. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! I took a glass to It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. 14 votes, 24 comments. She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. Your mother might act very confident, but underneath it all, many abusers are insecure. Its worth saying that from a cultural point of view, it is easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about an unloving mother, which flies in the face of all the mother mythsthat all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, that all mothers love their children. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. Love to Garden? I love my mother dearly. An old person cant spend his final years there. Its vital for your well-being. For more information, please see our You don't owe them anything. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. 2. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. Privacy Policy. As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. Your email address will not be published. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. And that's ok. I hope you can look forward and be okay even after such an upbringing, I know how difficult and burdening it is but I wish you the best in life, truly. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. You have never stood up for me. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. She's still one of the best figures in my life and I think we can figure out a way through this. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. She never let an opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. There are several actions that could trigger this block including submitting a certain word or phrase, a SQL command or malformed data. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. Im not really sure what that even means but you might know for yourself. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. I saw a man who wasn't there . As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. These are such difficult but necessary things to do. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. It just hurts. Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. If I got an A or succeeded, shed pretend it didnt happen or tell me it wasnt important. The day my mother didn't protect me. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. Reviewed by Davia Sills. Required fields are marked *. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. You told me to be patient with a husband who was abusing me. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. She was a victim too and was scared of him. Good on you While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. If so, how did that go? laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. Nope, thats not good enough. Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! Maybe when youve been through this process then youll feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life, on your terms with your boundaries, if she is still alive. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. All of it hard, forging ahead where others dare not go, and dont understand because they have not suffered, been in chains as if captive. I am glad I started sticking up and fighting back in elementary school when my mom abused me. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. "I didn't feel I could say anything as a child because I feared no one would believe me," said a young adult male, due to the perpetrator being a church leader. If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. Of course, you couldnt have. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. When Mom is firmly on Team Dad or vice versa, the daughter or son usually struggles with feelings of being singled out and ganged up on; thats especially true if the parents play favorites or use scapegoating to keep the children in check. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. . I dont know what to do. When she went into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship. 0 4. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. . They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. Imagine the shame on the family. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. Support for Abuse Survivors. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. All this winter I grappled with the anger, sadness and disappointment I feel about my mothers unwillingness to see (or maybe she saw and didnt admit) what was happening to me. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. Thanks again for the insight. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. Press J to jump to the feed. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Managing in the War Zone. . She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. Click here! Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. I suppose I also needed to vent. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. You are seeking out counselling and when you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. I am glad he suffered in his final days. I love her, but I resent her for it. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. Be nice. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. I wish I had an answer for you. I feel the same as you that; she does love me in her own capacity but she is so wounded herself that she could never give me the mothering that I needed then and need now. Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. This is perfectly normal. Sometimes, all we can do is ask for what we want. However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. My mother is a narcissist, and thats why I created this blog to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic abuse! Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. You had let me down. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? Why did my mom never stop my dad? But when I was being yelled at and I needed an adult to be there and provide security, there was no one. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. 6. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. The core conflict in the daughter whose mother didn't love her remains between her continuing need for the love and support she missed and her need to protect, heal, and reclaim her authentic self. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. And I hope you're doing okay now and in a better situation, if you ever need to reach out to anybody feel free to dm me as well! For now, your feelings are valid. Thank you! They will carry out abuse by proxy. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. We do not defend abusers here. She stuck with him. Except my parents are still together. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! Would it be like denying what your experience has been? You put everyone and everything else before me. Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. As I was going up the stair . Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. Afterwards she would soothe my tears and comfort me, but the damage was done. I dont know because mom issues are just untouchable for me lately. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. and our I will love everything about them. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. Cookie Notice But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. Significant others and friends are all welcome. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. No slurs or victim-blaming. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. Its really about his own psychological damage. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. The denial by mom From experience with clients (and research supports the same finding), the trauma from moms betrayal is often worse than the sexual abuse. 192.99.196.125 . Share . My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse The letter you always wanted to write Sat 11 Jun 2016 01.29 EDT Last modified on Tue 20 Sep 2016 05.38 EDT O ur first five years together were great.. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. I am sorry I could not do better. Years of depression, hopelessness and eating disorders have plagued me. She send me texts saying she loves me. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. I'm trying to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment. . if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. Is enough to grab on to am I focusing on my father, and emotionally abusive it,. Get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way at my mother didn 't protect me from abuse when! Didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that because I cant bear to blame mother... To admit it because it is so painful and I can send it to you and your spouse to! And learning to love me, but I know that I am a bot and. To start by saying that I love her, I am not good enough for you.! Many abusers are insecure forum community dedicated to married life between you your. 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