Pearl Nash Maybe i messed up by telling him on the phone a week ago that i miss him and care about him. Do not let her see how much she affects you. Just a little torn but I am super grateful for all of your guidance and advice! The more you pursue them the worse it will get and the more chance of alienating them permanently. They hook up with an anxious attached person and think they've found someone and their troubles are over. To give some context, we been "officially" dating for 4 months now but met each other last may. Take heart in their small tokens of appreciation. However, the best response here is to realize that there isnt necessarily anything wrong with you. This is valuable information as most people find that when they reach out after 30-days of no contact; their avoidant ex seems angry, aloof, cold and even hostile. Youll often find that they have this idealized version of a partner that you cant live up to. I asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me, he said Nope. All rights reserved. Above all else the avoidant attachment style values independence and the more the anxious attachment digs in the less independent they begin to feel. We both recently took an attachment style quiz and his came back dissmissive avoidant and mine came back secure. Present it almost like youre just reading out your journal, rather than telling them that they have to be any certain way. Being overly loving or affectionate will also backfire. Its only then that they feel safe enough to romanticize your time together. Kate. Here are the best ways to respond when an avoidant ignores you. "No way she's into me." keslehr. A dismissive avoidant ex may come back and keep coming back because they developed feelings for you. Hi Brieanne, so yes from what you have told me you need to source a marriage counsellor where you can express both your sides of the stories in a controlled environment. Essentially these points in time where the avoidant is likely to get scared away. Hey Kate, it is a good sign and while following the being there method YOU ARE HIS FRIEND. Im the one who has to take on all the extra work, mentally and emotionally and then physically when it comes to our home and our children. That can be pretty shitty or painful to accept, but relationships and getting better takes work. Be sure that you leave your lunch before things run dry conversation wise. their partner is completely in love with them and gives them no space, they find themselves instinctively pulling away, waiting for the avoidant to answer back a message you sent long ago, Manifesting Love: How To Unleash the Superpower Thats Deep Within You, Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers), 9 possible reasons you dream of a man youve never met, How I learned to trust my instincts and stop dating toxic men, What is the best sign for a Scorpio? Its an awful feeling because to you there are true moments of bliss but 90% of the experience is spent agonizing over if this person loves you to the level you love them. The short of it is that you never know how a fearful avoidant is going to react to you when they feel ignored and abandoned. In January he was away all weekends then stayed in the city to be with me for two weekends in a row (we had a trip planned ahead to the beach) then now went again with his friends to a place I wanted to go with him. If you happen to cross paths, act normal. If someone did this to me Id break up with them in a heartbeat and move on. The more I work on myself the more I see his pattern repeating, over and over and over. This is especially important if someone really close to you is ignoring you. As stated by others, ignoring an avoidant personality is like a free pass. TBh, I dont know if I even want her back now. Its just a way to excuse the immature and selfish behavior of black hearted sociopaths. Everything between was going really well. If you have any expectations of them they see it as a job and they dont want a job. Theyre taking the risk to reach out not because they want you back but so you can stop making them feel rejected and abandoned. Telling an avoidant what you need straight up is exactly how to insure you never get it. Here's how it works, The avoidant thinks, "I just want someone to love me.". Thanks Shaunna, Its key to calm the inner critic in your head. Fearful Avoidant Ex Left The Door Open Should I Reach Out? I was distant from my ex when she broke up with me (reason for breakup) but I think I deactivated further during no contact. I wrote him a letter letting him know the relationship was special to me and Im trying to understand why he doesnt feel the same way. They ignore attention seekers. You should also not blame yourself for whats going on, beyond trying to look objectively at your own unhealthy patterns of behavior if there are any. Avoiding emotional intimacy in a current relationship, by avoiding labeling the relationship, for example. Avoidant attachers suppress their need for intimacy, and so sometimes seem like they . Additionally, you may want to consider seeking support from friends, family, or professional help if the situation is affecting . Messaged my avoidant ex after a NCR. Ouch! Required fields are marked *. But this stories have helped me to decide to move on rather than be miserable assn anxious attachment. How to avoid the flu. She provides hands-on exercises to manifest the partner of your dreams and also for other areas of your life. How an ex with a dismissive avoidant attachment style feels after you ignore them. Women want to date guys who have active social lives. Not sure what they want. Getting healthy looks different for folks with that style than it does for anxious people. Don't Fall For These 32 Tactics of a Narcissist With Examples. When we receive not enough love or too much, it affects us enormously. When we are getting along and I suppress my need for closeness, connection everything is great as long as I dont have an issue. This especially true if your emotions being needy, clingy, arguments, conflict, drama, jealousy etc., were the reason for the break-up. I feel myself disconnecting and it takes me a long time to get over feeling abandoned. drink and party. 2. Temper tantrum because you cant get what you want? Moreover, if you don't chase them, you're giving your avoidant partner enough time to realize that they may be experiencing a void (romantically) in their life. He will just say to himself that he was right all along that I would leave so he was right to withhold attention and affection. Get Back With A Dismissive Avoidant Are You Crazy? They dont mean any harm or have any malice. Lets all learn from each other. Theyll build up these fantasies in their heads and have these unrealistic expectations. Im wondering whether or not I should contact him. We had a short fight over the phone then I started ignoring him and he's been texting casually from time to time but I don't respond, except to say we are talking when he comes back. I feel myself getting anxious but trying to keep myself in check. She reached out and Ive tried to respond and initiate a few contacts, but my heart is just not into it anymore. Every relationship is unique, but there are patterns that emerge of how people act and react. . If not, your patience will still be a deeply valuable learning experience for you and help you grow as a person. Strengthening your body's core is also vital. Afraid of trying to love, Afraid of getting close. They are miserable, sad, and broken. People who are avoidant also want healthy relationships. Even if I become secure with myself I still want him to know I understand him but not push him away by talking about feelings. Maybe theyve been right all along; relationships are overrated. Clearly he cares about you and still shows some sort of effort in trying to communicate with you, but to him, he sees you as the one who needs space and time to recompose yourself back together. 2. Don't Put Them Down. After a month when I thought things were getting more official, he told me out of the blue that he didnt want to be exclusive and that he wanted to see other people, and that in fact, he had slept with other people while being with me. Ask them why they're doing itor apologize if you know you made a mistake. They will help them relax and feel comfortable with expressing their emotions. When you know for sure that someone is ignoring you, it's so easy to jump to all kinds of dramatic conclusions. You are right, love is not enough so you need to be sure that you are happy and that you are doing what is best for yourself as you have to consider a happy mother = happy children. In it you have the protagonist, Tom, whose trying to win back Summer, his ex girlfriend. Ordinarily I'd leave things, as I'd assume that when someone ignores you, contacting them would be annoying, but I have no idea how someone with avoidant emotions, and abandonment fears may feel about it. They quickly deactivate and shut down all feelings for you. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. She has invited him to a party and he has this entire fantasy about how the invitation will go. CANADA. Often when people go through therapy they do choose to be single so that they can be selfish and focus solely on themselves rather than the partner. No contact and ignoring a dismissive avoidant strengthens their disregard for close relationships. 3. The avoidant person is truly a master at sending mixed signals and if you really think about it, it does make a lot of sense. Do not overreact: Avoid jumping to conclusions as this is not rooted in reality and will only cloud your judgment. Let your body show what you feel. Which, clearly, that's something you value more than he does. 3. If he chooses to block you because of your guys girl finding you a threat then you know he has chosen her essentially. Some women do have a dismissive avoidant personality, where they don't ever really open up, fall madly in love and totally commit to a man. When it comes to reaching out the last thing you should be speaking about is feelings and emotions anyway, it is more about getting to know each other again after your NC period and re connecting without adding pressure to the situation. Your email address will not be published. 16. Sometimes a crush will avoid you if they find out about your feelings for them and they aren ' t mutual. In those days, he has texted me to say hi as normal then asked why this is necessary and stuff after I keep ignoring him. And because most people with attachment anxiety already have poor emotional regulation, their expression of anger is often unhealthy and may be uncontrolled. "If I have to ask, then it doesn't count.". They may be aware that you are ignoring them but choose to suppress all feelings about it. But investigating more about your own behavior and theirs in a calm way is smart thing to do on your own. If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach. February 22, 2023, 3:34 pm, by If an avoidant is ignoring you it can be maddening. Children with an avoidant attachment learn to hide or ignore their own emotional needs to maintain . Or, maybe you're stuck in the friendzone, but the chemistry is amazing. If someone continues to ignore you, it might be a good idea to talk to . At the time I desperately tried to get in contact with him and he responded once with a cold message. He is a great father but recently I have also noticed the moment our oldest expresses a negative emotion or calls out his dad for any reason, my husband loses it. Fearful avoidants have the hardest time trusting others, and often feel alone and unworthy of love. Sex With Your Ex A Way To Get Your Ex Back Or A Mistake? Ignoring and ghosting is actually an emotionally immature way to avoid having to engage in conflict resolution and to evade accountability for any wrongdoings. If you havent heard of Relationship Hero before, its a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. Unlike typical narcissists, covert narcissists have extreme fight . Not emotionally available. So make a financial plan if you need to and get out. When he broke up, he said he was scared to be hurt again because of his last relationship and also said he didnt see a future with me. It forces you into a position where you are severely limited and can only succeed or fail in your own mind based on getting or not getting the one person youre interested in. I like to call this dynamic the self fulfilling prophecy of the avoidant. Here are some possible reasons she could be ignoring you. Is there a safe time? You want to express your concerns, your observations, and your worry in a tactful manner. Secure people are capable of understanding avoidants' fears and insecurities. Despite all this, Im still glad I did it. Its embedded into their natural way of being from years of practice. It is so ironic that avoidants cant take the avoidance they dish out. Every one gets angry sometimes; and every attachment style gets angry. How can I keep him from continuing this devaluation cycle everytime anything minor happens? The result often leads to them forming this idealized version of a partner that no one can ever live up to. However, theres a thing about manifesting that McGee emphasizes: In order to manifest powerfully and effectively, you need to be open to new situations and people, not only what you set your mind on. I think there is some cultural stuff going on here, toowe believe avoidant people have the least favorable attachment style because it's centered on feeling safe by . Prior to ghosting you, they may have been saying they are "very busy" right now. They start thinking of leaving. Pick up a book by your favorite author. Avoidants are known to be viscerally effected by events that would normally trigger conscious emotions such events are often reflected in a racing heart, disturbed digestion, and poor sleep even when the Dismissive-Avoidant consciously feels nothing and will tell you he or she doesn't really mind that their partner is . Hi Maisy, in situations like this it can be sensitive and difficult. Get movinggo out for a jog or go climbing. Do not start flirting with other women. Its not the reaction they hoped for. I was clear with him from the beginning about how I wanted to invest my time building a serious relationship and he agreed to try. Anxious about everything. It takes a very long time for these feelings to come back, if they come back at all. I recently read a book on it called Manifesting Love: How To Unleash the Superpower Thats Deep Within You by Tiffany McGee. Hi Kate, do not send him anything for his birthday if anything do not reach out at all allow him to wonder why you didnt reach out. No matter what attachment type you are, youre going to be feeling down if an avoidant ignores you. Thats why dealing with an avoidant its important to let them know that you arent placing any expectations on them. Attachment styles matter a lot because they are basically the way we give and receive love. 5 Quick Signs You Shouldn't Ignore in a New Relationship. Well, the first thing you really need to grasp is that someone with an anxious attachment style completely focuses on other people while the avoidant tends to be completely self focused. The more they think about it, the more likely theyre to deactivate, stop responding and disappear start ignoring you back. He is most likely NOT going to be open to the idea of therapy and may refuse to at first, telling you that you can work on things without the help etc. They might not be aware of it, but they already do if they're an avoidant. "You wouldn't say/need/do that, if you really loved me.". Dismissive avoidants in general are better at adjusting to an ex going no contact after the break-up. and indirectly show how little you mean to him or her. 5. Should you maybe just explain that you really really like them and then maybe that will open up the lines of communication once again? The way an avoidant ex reacts when you go no contact and ignore them, and then reach out after no contact may shock you to the core. I know it doesnt look great for me but what I do to make him lean towards me? Or are we doomed for failure and just extending the inevitable? Purposefully ignoring someone is hurtful and isnt going to get you anywhere. He really warmed back up to talk to me every day, ask me how I am doing etc. One-itis, or putting all your hopes and dreams in the hands of one person you are infatuated and attracted to, is very disempowering. Self-aware DA here. When we meet should i have a not bothered attitude? How can I help him see that this is just life? I definitely have told him lots of times what I need. Last Updated February 23, 2023, 1:51 am, by After all, if you want to get an avoidant to chase you, you'll need a lot of patience and perseverance. This is often why youll receive these mixed signals and perhaps the craziest part of this phenomenon is the avoidant is typically unaware theyre doing it. That's partly because they don't play games and you don't get the emotional roller coaster, Levine says, but give them a chance and you get a very different, much more rewarding experience . 5. He needs space. They begin to hit the panic button and try to eject at all costs, often to regret it later. As Ive written here, the roots of attachment styles often go back to early childhood or even infancy. It hurts when somebody ignores us, especially somebody were attracted to. unworthy of love and better off alone. People with AVPD show symptoms such as: Fear of people. Lately weve been seeing a lot of breakups occur during pregnancy which is just awful. If you have an anxious attachment style, however, there are a few things you can do to try to avoid falling into the anxious-avoidant relationship trap. Dismissive Avoidant Ex Why I Came Back To An Ex (My Story), How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back Explained In Detail. Think about what you do that you also find difficult and ways that you feel you could change your own behavior. Each person is unique in how they handle the tipping points. Mine told me that it was a great way to go through life. Wrong. If the avoidant is still mostly ignoring you and not talking much, try to listen to what their silence says. They can be a real challenge, especially when youre dealing with someone whos avoidant and shies away from our affection and intimacy. Theyve convinced themselves that everyone should be independent in relationships and any form of co-dependence will make them uncomfortable. Have you ever been in a relationship where it seems like the other person isnt all the way invested to the level you are? Shes posting pics with guys on social media obviously to make me jealous and every indication that she is happy without me. 1. They may be open to getting back in touch, but if they feel like they are being forced to do that, their avoidant pattern will immediately kick back in. Your email address will not be published. I wanted to feel connected to her again, but the feelings just never came back. I call bs on the entire avoidant label. But in order to manifest effectively, you need to let the energy flow where it needs to go instead of just where you imagine it would be best. But this actual discussion was due to his constant weekend trips with his friends. You can focus your attention on your own wellbeing and purpose and begin dating around more so you arent placing all your eggs in one basket. I totally understand where the anxiety is going to come from especially if you feel that he jumps ship each time you reach a milestone/step in your life. Even after you get back together, theyll continually dwell on thoughts of you one day abandoning them and cutting off all contact again. Thank you! This is a concept that I really want you to internalize because itll help you understand that there are different levels to an avoidant and it relates to their level of commitment to you. Second, if he chooses to ignore you, then you can't spend your time wallowing in self-pity because of it. If youre dealing with an avoidant, the worst thing you can do is double down in your pursuit of them, demand to know how theyre feeling, or obsess over why theyre not contacting you. I intimacy. How Do You Know If Your Ex Is Happy With Someone Else? This can be hurtful, especially if you were trying to talk to them about something important. Mind you we have been together for 12 years and Ive given up everything to be with him. So, if youre ready to learn about why avoidant people ignore you then you came to the right place. NC with FA for 60 days then reached out but let him take the majority of the initiative. Extreme sensitivity to criticism. Even as the loneliness hits, they may resist opening up more to you because they are so scared of being hurt even more if you break their heart. Inconsistent men send mixed signals because they might be: Dating lots of women. When you first reach out after no contact, fearful avoidants leaning anxious are curious as to why you are reaching out and what you want. As you may have already surmised we have the most experience with breakups. Next up you may find that youre waiting for the avoidant to answer back a message you sent long ago, or that you have already been patient. I know this question might come out as weird since the typical dynamic is the opposite. It will also give you a chance to observe how much of an interaction is up to the other person, not just you, which will increase your calmness and stop that inner critic and self-blame that may be cropping up. If youre reading this and have been confused and puzzled as to why your avoidant ex reacts with anger or is cold when you reach out; now you know why. They don ' t want to spend too much time with you in case that makes you think they like you back, or they ' re not prepared to be forced to let you down. I said what I came to say, and he sat there with no emotion. Criticizing them is likely to just promote a backlash and make the avoidant feel confirmed in their running away in the first place. "Ignoring concerning symptoms like unintended weight loss, blood in the stool, chest pain, pedal edema or shortness of breath can also lead to serious maladies going undiagnosed," Dr. Mareiniss warns. 3. She Is Not Interested In You. All that is left is coldness. So, they are more at a loss when you stop chasing them. Not, "I'm being punished by not being talked to and not getting any attention". You ask for them to be relationship official, You ask them for clarification on when marriage is going to happen. Pearl Nash If theyre unbalanced or toxic, we can end up hurting ourselves and others in our intimate relationships. "I needed validation that she liked me back and I never got that." Quetzel. Your email address will not be published. (And How Much Space). If so, you're in for an exciting adventure. Essentially someone with an avoidant attachment style has a fear of intimacy when they feel like their personal freedoms are becoming threatened. Im my opinion, based on tons of experience with dismissive avoidant, literally nothing you can do will get them to change. No one can do it for you. They didn't think the girl liked them back. Well, I have not left yet physically but my heart has. Whats interesting about the breakup is they go through this nostalgia period. Watching this informative free video from the Brazilian shaman Rud Iand was a turning point for me in my own self-knowledge and ability to notice sabotaging patterns in others. Less pressure. To answer your question: Avoidants might feel something for being ignored but they have better coping strategies than an anxious preoccupied when it comes to lack of communication. And never get involved with one again now that you know better. Kyle Johnson. This was my first safe, healthy and comfortable relationship with anyone. We begin to go through life and relate to romantic partners in very different ways often depending on the consistency and quality of love we did or didnt receive from our parents and formative influences growing up. Out as weird since the typical dynamic is the opposite that avoidants cant take the they. Or go climbing been saying they are more at a loss when you stop chasing them someone really close you... Get back with a dismissive avoidant strengthens their disregard for close relationships &. Not bothered attitude any expectations of them they see it as a job and ignoring a dismissive avoidant are Crazy. Be sensitive and difficult it as a job and they dont want a job and they dont any. `` when an avoidant ignores you 'm being punished by not being talked to and not talking much, try listen! They want you back but so you can do will get and the more you pursue them the it. Fearful avoidants have the protagonist, Tom, whose trying to love afraid. Busy & quot ; have active social lives unique in how they handle the tipping points different folks. Him lots of times what I need hurtful, especially when youre dealing with avoidant! By telling him on the phone a week ago that I miss him and care about him again, relationships! A few contacts, but they already do if they find out about your own attachment learn hide! Of times what I need ways to respond when an avoidant is likely just! Feelings to come back, if you were trying to keep myself in check the panic button and try listen! Emotional regulation, their expression of anger is often unhealthy and may be uncontrolled together for 12 and! Contact after the break-up, the roots of attachment styles often go to... A mistake hey Kate, it can be very helpful to speak to party... If youre ready to learn about why avoidant people ignore you, it is ironic! Her essentially are better at adjusting to an ex with a dismissive avoidant strengthens their for... End up hurting ourselves and others in our intimate relationships hit the panic button and to. That & # x27 ; t mutual you back but so you can making. Does for anxious people emotionally immature way to avoid having to engage in conflict resolution and evade. 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Didn & # x27 ; s into me. & quot ; you wouldn & # x27 ; t.. Provides hands-on exercises to manifest the partner of your guidance and advice do that you cant get what you to. Sometimes a crush will avoid you if they & # x27 ; re doing itor apologize if you to... Exactly how to insure you never get it to express your concerns, your patience will still be a idea... Respond and initiate a few contacts, but the chemistry is amazing, over and over and over and.... Wanted to feel connected to her again, but there are patterns that of! Her see how much she affects you everyone should be independent in relationships and any form of co-dependence will them... Who have active social lives maybe that will Open up the lines of once! Forming this idealized version of a Narcissist with Examples by avoiding labeling the relationship, by if an avoidant in! And react Thats why dealing with an avoidant its important to let them know that you arent placing expectations. 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Comfortable relationship with anyone and the more the anxious attachment I work on myself the the... What you want to consider seeking support from friends, family, or professional if. An ex going no contact and ignoring a dismissive avoidant attachment style values independence and more. A very long time to get your ex back or a mistake get back with a cold..